Sunday, 11 September 2016

Describing in detail!

Today we had to write about a short clip we watched. Our goal was to describe IN DETAIL what we saw. This was just a practice so then when we wrote our own stories, we know how to write in detail and don't forget to leave things out. It helps the reader get a picture in their head, like a movie, of what I am writing.

This is the clip we used.
(Only the first 1 minute - about the boy sleeping through his alarms)

This is what I wrote.

It was a open morning and the gentle breeze went in circles coming through the open windows. There were curtains swaying softly side to side almost covering the radio. Beneath the window there was a radio and it had a clock on it. The radio was on a desk. On the desk there were books that he could read one day. On the wall there were a calendar full of pictures and months. The clock on the radio showed 6.59AM then it changed to 7.00AM. On the radio it showed a little blue word that came under the time - it said 'good morning'. After that it said 'play CD'. The volume came up softly. There came a nice upbeat song. It was a morning song. I heard a guitar and some drums. The song disappeared because a hand shut if off cause he was tired because he stayed up too late at night. There was his phone that turned on his alarm. The phone shook softly and vibrated. Without looking he turned it off his phone. He reluctantly turned off the alarm. His phone gently slammed onto the phone. Suddenly a third alarm goes off and the boy wasn't bothered to walk and turn it off so he grabbed a BB gun and shot the third clock. He flops his hand onto the bed and falls asleep again. His BB gun slowly slipped out of his hand, onto his fingers and then onto the floor. When the gun fell onto the floor all the three alarms went off again and the music changed to a rock'n'roll song. The boy got mad and turned over and over. He launched out onto the floor and he ran to switch off the radio and the clock alarm and his phone too.

Do you think I have described what happened in lots of detail?
Please leave me a comment to let me know if I did achieve my goal or not.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness Syraiah-Lee, you have added some great details here! I love this part - "There were curtains swaying softly side to side, almost covering the radio". This creates a very clear picture in my head of what it looked like. Amazing!
    Another thing you have really improved on lately is using different sentences for effect, not just having long long long sentences with lots of 'and then' 'and then' 'after that'. Look back at your writing - you have lots of different sentences, some are short, some are long. That is awesome because it makes your writing more interesting to read.
    So proud of you Syraiah-Lee. You have been trying so hard the past couple of weeks to improve your writing and I'd say you definitely have! Keep it up! <3